Loudest Silence

I find myself in something of a limbo.


In between where I was, and where I want to be. And this has left me in a curious emotional state equal parts positive and troubled.

I feel an intermingling of tempered hope and unease at an uncertain future. I feel satisfaction that certain steps are being taken in my life. Steps that could bring me closer to where I really want to be, as I have a few literary agents currently taking my work into consideration. I feel closer now than I’ve ever felt to getting what I really want out of my life, but beyond this point what control I have diminishes. It’s out of my hands. And there’s anxiety in the waiting.

I’m learning to let go of what I can’t control. There’s distraction in work and hobbies, but in the end I’m finding distraction to not fully quench the fire of uncertainty. So I’m taking solitude where I should be taking solitude.

In writing things that add meaning to my life, and hopefully provide some type of meaning to the lives of others as well.

But there are moments where it feels like I’m sitting on the edge of an abyss, my feet dangling over a dark, and I’m whispering a story into a nothingness. Not another sound save for my own hoarse voice.

An Abyss

And then out of the dark, a whisper. An audible whisper. Something of a reply from the quiet.

And then a sudden return to that purest silence. Engulfing me once more.

And so I wonder.

102 thoughts on “Loudest Silence

  1. Wow. I could not have better articulated my current state of mind had I wanted to. I accepted an amazing job offer, but I also sit at the edge of the unknown, in a liminal state, wondering. I am leaving behind one of the most valuable intellectual confidants of my life, and I cannot help but grieve, even though I am feeling ecstatic about the opportunities in front of me as well. It is a new chapter. It is THE unknown. It is beyond my understanding or control. Life is calling me forward (or south, more literally), but I am not sure where this will take my scholarly self, or how I will work without my intellectual match. Who will complete my thoughts when I cannot quite hatch them? Who will be my audience for thinking on the margins out loud? How will my new church of reason fit into the big picture? This is one that I cannot intellectualize, it is simply too big for that.

    • Moments of transition are scary most definitely, and though I don’t fully understand all the dynamics in play within your own life’s challenge right now I wish you nothing but the best in your shift to a new frontier. You should feel excited, shifts like that take courage and give you new and unique opportunities to grow. I hope you learn to trust your own intellectual capabilities, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over time it’s that in the end people will give you advice and have their perspectives but you really need to learn to trust yourself. Though having another whose opinions you very much so value and trust is always a plus. I know right now especially trying to get into the publishing industry that it’s very important to carefully consider every perspective granted by those experienced in the field. I hope your intellectual confidant understands the challenges posed to you in your career very well and that they’ve steered you well, and I mean clearly they must have or you wouldn’t have a new opportunity like the one you’ve described!! Again, I wish you nothing but the best in your life’s endeavors and thank you so much for your kind words, it’s always fulfilling to hear that somebody connected with something I’ve written. May you find what you seek in your life’s journey!! 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your kind words in reply!! It means the world to me to know that people connect with what I’ve written, and it was my hope that I would be able to connect with the general angst of waiting in life and all moments of uncertainty. Once again I’m really happy that this post spoke to you have a blessed day!!

  2. This pretty much describes what I’m going through now. Waiting is daunting task but through it all, I am learning to be still and trust the process.I choose to think that the waiting process nurtures me inwardly and acts a preparation ground which arms me for the new opportunities and challenges coming ahead.

    • Good perspective to take, there are opportunities to plan in the space between moments. Good times for introspection and revising approaches, thank you so much for the insightful comment!!

  3. Thank you for expressing what I don’t seem to have time anymore to articulate trying to fulfill an employer’s expectations and a “home hostess’ s” expectations……NEED transition to yet another level….trusting my instincts this time.

    • You need to trust your instincts that’s the truth, you have to trust yourself I’m slowly learning the true importance of this and I’m very happy that what I wrote here resonated with you i wish you all the best!! Thanks for the comment!!

  4. Nailed it. Greatly worded, and hit so close to home. Your depictions, truly was balanced and FOrm was key. “Not another sound save for m…;” while reading here, I became conscious of me, how I was so engrossed. Exchanging words out, making it so much more real to me. I pray you stay blessed in all things pure and full of Light.

    • Thank you so much for these kind words!! It really gives me a great rush whenever somebody connects with something I’ve written in this way I really appreciate your conveying that to me, I pray you stay blessed as well all the best to you in all that you do!! =D

    • Thank you so much for this!! I hoped to capture something closer to the universal in the angst of waiting so it wouldn’t be so narrow a perspective that it wouldn’t resonate with others it really makes me happy to know that you felt this way about this post all the best to you!!!

  5. Ditto. It is the curse of a creative mind, and yet, I wouldn’t trade it for all the sane, calculating certainty of a critical thinking mind in any day. Good luck with your publishing efforts!

  6. Oscar your piece reached deep into my soul and shook up the sleeping author in me. I love to write but I am a bit scared to pen what’s inside down, so those words are trapped within me. I related to this piece in more ways than one so much so that I felt as though it came from me. I feel so encouraged now to out-pour blogs of my own. I’m tapped in to you now. Keep writing.

    • This is a beautiful comment thank you so much it’s a fantastic feeling knowing that something I’ve written connected with you in such a way and I hope that you find your release in writing and that you don’t hold back and let it flow without simultaneous self-conscious reflection on what you write, sometimes you just need the catharsis for its own sake without worry of what others will think, thank you for the encouragement you’ve got to keep writing too it’s a long road ahead for us all piece by piece we’ll find ourselves

  7. It’s serendipitous that I read this today, of all days. And funny how two people can experience the same feelings, and be connected, no matter how slight the connection.

    • I’m very happy you read my post thank you so much for your readership it’s fantastic to know that this tapped into something more universal than my immediate experiences and I wish you all the best in your own creative pursuits!!

  8. From the very start, I connected well with what you were saying. Your work is truly intriguing – an introspective into an amazing mind. Thank you for sharing this.

    • I really appreciate your kind words thank you so much for that, I’m happy to know that what I write connects with other people I try to write from a place of exploring my own personal experiences but I don’t want it to be so personal that it doesn’t resonate with others so whenever I get feedback in this vein it’s very deeply appreciated, thank you so much once again for the kind comment and I wish you nothing but the best and hopefully you get the chance to join the London marathon next time!!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words!! And great advice for getting over the blues it’s advice I need act on more often than I do, exercise especially, and indeed reading’s always a great way to clear your mind of other worries, happy blogging!! 🙂

    • No problem at all thank you so much for dropping by my blog as well I just took my MCAT a couple weeks ago and I have a predisposition to overthinking as well, thank you so much for the kind compliment it means a lot to me to hear feedback like this, thanks so much oce again and see you around the blogosphere!! 🙂

  9. Hi Oscar! I can empathise with your words in Loudest Silence. I see you liked one of my posts on my snooker blog. How did you find it? I ask because i thought only my mum read it! Robert

    • Hey Robert thanks so much for the kind comment!! I really just randomly go on the search blogs tool on wordpress and try to interact with other blogs as much as I can on random days happy blogging!!

  10. Cheers, Oscar – thank you so much! If you don’t mind, I’d like to link to this post … and also have “a few” facebook friends to share it with.

    WordPress is pretty awesome – I got to your blog by virtue of you having liked the just-published second post of a blog I am not optimizing (yet) – and I’m really glad, because your post here lends clarity to what I have been trying to articulate – or at least convey. I’m in a kind of pergatory at the moment – between two realities – and I’m trying to get that down on the page. After four years of incessant racing thoughts and presumed authorial brilliance – and constant writing – I have been plopped down in a chair to face my computer, and find that sometimes there are simply no thoughts there. Your post – and many of the comments here – have shown me that, although the situations may be different, the basic emotion is the same. Thanks!

    • By all means feel free to link to this post thank you so much!! And that was a really unique visual in your blog post, adrift in a gooey ocean of uncertainty, we all get lost sometimes but you’ll find your way back to shore I’m sure. And we all get plagued by thoughts of self-doubt but all we can hope to do is evolve and adapt to what the moment requires of us and hopefully we can get some positive feedback along the way. It’s true we all feel similar emotions of anxiety and uncertainty, and it is best to push through and keep productive in those moments with approaches unique to our own personal circumstances. All the best to you!! 🙂

  11. You have a wonderful insight and beautiful expression in word! It is very impressive that some of your works are under consideration. Walk in faith!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words!! And that cake in your blog post looked amazing it made me very hungry haha hope you enjoyed the Kentucky Derby!! I’ll do my best to keep the faith!! 🙂

  12. Oscar, obviously you’ve touched a chord in many. I liked what you wrote in a comment: Waiting for agents is a strange limbo. You know what you should do (write other things, keep busy), but the reality sits sharply in your gut.

    Well said! I’m still waiting for an agent to say yes, send. let alone say yes to representation. But waiting is always the same. Waiting. I’m always really good at seeing STOP signs, but the destination is harder to read. So I breathe. Say it will come; say everyone’s as crazy as I am, more or less, at this time. Remind myself to watch and listen. And yes, sometimes fighting despair or disillusionment. And then, I stop, go on. I wrote a blog post for the first time since the ms. went out on query – it’s been a long time getting back into the devouring writing. I think that’s part of what you may be feeling. How do we move forward into another project when we don’t know what the Stop sign says on the other side. Ah, the uncertainty principle at work again.

    Nice to read your work. J.

    • I’m very happy to touch a chord with others it makes the act of writing all the more fulfilling!! And that’s a great allusion to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, the universe does appear to be guided by chance and we can only control so much and do our best to align the odds in our favor. I spend a lot of time personalizing every query I send out so I query at a bit of a slower pace but I’m just happy that some agents are giving me positive feedback I hope you get positive feedback as well!! But indeed we’ve got to keep pushing and keeping at it life is only so long and we’ve got to make the most of every moment we can’t humor complacency, all the best to you happy blogging and best of luck in your writing endeavors!!

  13. I hear you so loud and clear. That’s what I’d really like too. To be read, to be understood, to have somebody say I’d like to know more. Keep it up. Don’t stop. Good job. I appreciate your writing and I appreciate you too.

    • I hear all of what you’re saying too, you’ve got to keep going too and I really appreciate the positive vibes in this comment, with regards to your comments on congress and progress that’s got my mind all twisted haha but now that I’m thinking about it congress has got the word con in it and maybe we’re all getting conned by the powerful haha or I don’t know I’m really tired and I’m just exploring the blogosphere right now but I wish you nothing but the best and thank you so much for the kind and heartfelt comment!! 🙂

  14. Keep up the writing; we push through our toughest times by pressing forward. You are a very eloquent writer and share out positivity! Thank you for stopping by my site and liking my post!

    • Very interesting idea of calling being between a cat and kitten being a catten haha very creative and thank you so much for checking my blog out as well!! Thank you so much for the positive comment I try to be a positive individual there’s too much negativity floating around in the world we don’t need to be a means of its multiplication all the best to you and happy blogging!! =D

    • Thank you so much for this comment!! I hope when I write to connect with others and I can never tell what all the different ways it might connect, but it means a lot to me to know it struck a chord with you thank you so much once again and all the best to you!! 🙂

  15. Beautifully written. I can definatly relate, am at the same cross roads right now, change is always hard but I think that we are some of the lucky ones that get to realize that change is needed to fulfill our lives. It is a journey keep finding what your passion/goal is and work towards it no matter how many times you may stumble its about how many times you get back up.

    • Thank you so much for the kind comment I agree you’ve gotta always be ready to keep moving forward no matter the obstacle and we sometimes need to carry out calculated change to reach the fulfilling life we seek out and we each have to figure out that path for ourselves, thanks once again and all the best to you in your life’s journey!! 🙂

    • Indeed we’ve got to just keep on writing, and thank you for your kind words and that is a very interesting approach I’m definitely open to exploring every possible avenue to get my writing out there thank you so much for sharing and all the best to you!!

  16. Thank you for liking my post. I am so very new at this it is a huge encouragement to have a person of your stature notice.

    The long list of authors you have touched speak to the power of your words.

    I love your post and fully understand the space between. So hard to find the control in letting go.

    I am so happy to have found this new sub-culture.

    • Apologies for the late reply thank you so much for your kind words I’m just a blogger nothing crazy I’m just happy that people have read pieces I’ve written and have felt a connection with me as a consequence it’s the best feeling in the world to be read, and that’s a very poetic way of putting it ‘find the control in letting go’ if only someway somehow we could have more power to sway the fates in our favor, I’m very happy you’re getting familiar with the blogosphere it’s a nice place to interact with other people eager to write and connect, thanks once again for your kind comment and all the best to you!!!

  17. Loudest Silence really spoke to me. I was in different directions not sure of myself or confidant about myself. With my beloved we together were starting something new and where it will take us who knows. Thank you Oscar you are a gift. Have a fab week
    Shaz Granger
    2 Old Rvers

    • I’m very very happy to know this post spoke to you, and I’m happy to know that out of life’s chaos you’ve found something fresh and exciting I hope it takes you to a place of true joy!! Have a fab week as well all the best to you!!! 🙂

    • Thank you so much for this kind comment!! It means a lot to get positive feedback like this I really appreciate your supportive words and all the best to you in your life’s path as well!!!

  18. This is my voice,but I never could weave words around it.There is no doubt, transitions of moments in your live leave you trembling or hanging alone in the heat of this desert.You stand there with a rusty layer of thirst but nothing seems to fulfill that quench of thirst in you besides your own will power.

    Thanks for this lovely read. 🙂

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